I believe my secret TV watching (you know who you are, American Idol Season 6 and Project Runway Season 4, and you, too, made-for-SciFi-Channel-movie-about truck-sized alligators terrorizing-small-towns-in-Georgia) led to my loss of wit, irony and several brain cells. Now not only am I just plain short, I'm also short on wit, sarcasm and several other things, which I can't remember. (Note to self: add memory to list of things I'm short on. Wait, what was I going to note?) Now I'm only witty long after the fact, or in the middle of the night, when no one else is around and I'm half-asleep and too tired to remember my witty thought in the morning. If I could hoard all my witty thoughts somewhere, and just trot them out at the appropriate moment, I too could be on American Idol or perhaps the next big Fox show, American Wit.
Unfortunately, I already hoard alot of things. The extent of my hoarding was made clear when I realized I had 10 egg cups, when I live alone and rarely eat boiled eggs. (Note that I did not previously consider this to be hoarding; I had decided to keep all of my egg cups as part of my emergency planning, because when the Big Quake hits the Pacific Northwest, alot of people are going to lose their egg cups and then who'll be laughing?) At first, I thought my hoarding was a result of a chemical imbalance or a harbinger of an underlying psychological disorder. But two recent news stories have made me realize that hoarding must actually be a Pacific Northwest thing, like MS, avoiding eye contact and being mildly passive-aggressive.
The first story takes us to Rochester, WA, where a woman was found living with hundreds of healthy pet rats, 4 malnourished snakes and 1 malnourished cat. (Why were the snakes and cat malnourished when they were surrounded by rats? Don't they eat rats? Were these vegetarian snakes? Has the real story been missed here?) The second story takes us to Vancouver, WA, where a woman was found living with 42 malnourished cats. All I can say is I'm glad I don't have chickens.
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